You Know You Are Still a Republican If …

by Jimmy Lohman

• You are more upset about Brokeback Mountain than Abu Ghraib.
• You can’t stand Hilary Clinton’s hair but you have no problem with Tom DeLay’s.
• You think Global Warming is no big deal but environmentalists are a major problem.
• You support the “war on drugs” but think Rush Limbaugh is being prosecuted unfairly.
• You think professional athletes make too much money but Sam Walton’s kids deserve everything they have.
• You like the way George Bush walks.
• You think Al Gore is “wooden” and Donald Rumsfeld has charisma.
• You think CNN is biased but Fox News is neutral.
• You like the sound of Newt Gingrich’s voice.
• You are sure the United States has the best education and health care systems in the world.
• You think Dick Cheney is a straight shooter.
• You think Michael Chertoff’s beard makes him look distinguished.
• You think the problem with our health care system is lawyers.
• You think it was more important to locate Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress than to locate weapons of mass destruction.
• You don’t believe “terrorism” has made Rudy Giuliani an incredibly rich man.
• You believe freedom of speech covers everything Pat Robertson says and does, but burning a flag should be illegal.
• You can be in the same room with Brit Hume.
• You have yourself convinced that the country and world are better off now than 5 years ago.