Y2K Jokes

THE BALLAD OF Y2K

Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island Theme Song"

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."

But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

A visit to the graveside

A man was visiting his wife's grave at the local cemetery, when he noticed another man quietly crying over 3 graves, he walked over and asked "Your relatives?"

"Actually, they are my first three wives, the first 2 died from eating poisoned mushrooms, the 3rd died from a fractured skull."

"How did she fracture her skull?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

New glasses

You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people grind the lenses? The other day I was watching one of those guys through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder. He made a spectacle of himself.

The duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Hmmm…." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Visiting my shrink…

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."

Following in your footsteps

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

One liners

• My Friend Jan is on a well-known diet plan, and so far she's lost $300.
• They tried to persuade J. Paul Getty to open an Italian restaurant.
  They had a name picked out for it, too: "Spa Getty."
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy – When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend… … The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire…"

STUPID PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE TO WEAR SIGNS

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me… oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and (I SWEAR) he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!"

See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.