Women Unite!

Helping the war effort while planning your mid-life crisis-what a plan!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause — train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna — drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it.  Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We’ve had our children and will gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.  And a little vacation from our husbands might be welcome about now.  For those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.  What have we got to lose?

We’ve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet.  We’ve huffed and puffed in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound.  We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!  We’ve spent years tracking down our boyfriends, husbands, and/or kids in bars, hardware stores, sporting events, and/or parties in obscure locations … finding bin Laden in some cave will be child’s play.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government?  Oh, please … we’ve planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years … we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we’ve divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.  We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it … with or without the government’s help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their Godforsaken terrain.

I’m going to write my Congresswoman.  You should, too!