Visiting tips for the 2002 Olympic Winter Games

With the upcoming Olympics only a month away, I thought as a resident of Utah, I would share a few “tips” for visitors to the area:

1. Don’t laugh at the names (LaVar, LaVel, LaDell, LaMont, DelVora, Lehi, Moroni, Aldean, Brigham, or LuDean, etc.) All names are divine and are beyond gentile humor.
2. Don’t offer your Utah Volunteer Guide a cup of coffee or tea, regardless of how cold it is or how miserable they look.  It is against their religion.  Instead offer them caffeine-laden cold drinks, such as Coca-Cola or Mountain Dew.
3. That green stuff is not a mold.  It is Jell-O, the official State dessert.  You might try to taste ALL the 3,456,237 recipes for green Jell-O salad during your visit.
4. The Relief Society is NOT a group of citizens who clean public restrooms.  They are groups of mothers who specialize in quilts, casseroles and green Jell-O salad.  They meet weekly to exchange quilt patterns, casserole recipes, and interesting variations of green Jell-O salad.  In fact, they are SO dedicated, they dress like quilts, their hair is done to look like their favorite casserole, and they jiggle just like Jell-O.
5. Don’t get lost in downtown Salt Lake.  You can go north or south on West Temple, or east or west on North Temple or on South Temple, but you can’t go north on Main Street any more.  The BIG Mountains, and all alpine events are on the east side.  A large pond and little mountains are to the west.  If you’re driving and it starts to smell really bad, you’re too far west.
6. Do NOT believe the rumors; we DO sell alcohol in Utah.  But do NOT try to find retail outlets by looking under Beer, Wine, or Alcohol in the yellow pages.  All alcohol is sold by the State in tiny outlet stores hidden from sight of the general populace and unmarked by large signs or billboards.  Do not TRY to find one by asking your Utah Volunteer Guide where the liquor stores are.  You will easily find an alcoholic drink on your return flight.
7. Remember concealed weapons are legal in Utah, especially when thinking of returning any hand gesture to any of our friendly Utah drivers.
8. We don’t use profanity in Utah.  We use only approved expressions: gosh, gul-durn, dad-gumit, golly, jeminy, fetch, flip, frick, frick, etc.
9. Our bible is better than your bible, our prophet is better than yours (ours is still alive), our history is more true than yours, and nobody is allowed to laugh about the Church except Pat Bagley or Robert Kirby.
10. We don’t wear “funny underwear.”  We wear blessed undies and its considered bad taste to ask to see them and please note: they are not available as souvenirs.
11. If a Utahn introduces you to his six wives, please do not say something STUPID like “Isn’t that illegal?”  Remember the concealed weapon law.
12. You won’t find any businesses open or community activities here on Sundays all-day, Monday evenings, Tuesday afternoons, Wednesday evenings, Friday afternoons, or Saturday mornings.  These are all regularly scheduled church times and you will be expected to eat, dance, party, and recreate around them.

Finally, we really welcome you, your religion, and your diversity here, so PLEASE enjoy your stay!