Vacationland USA

The Maine Turnpike began a new program this summer where they handed out flyers titled “Welcome To Vacationland.”  These flyers will be handed out to all cars with license plates from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey.  The flyers state the following rules for visiting Maine:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you did all week in the gym.
2. It’s called a “gravel road.”  No matter how slowly you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW.  We have four wheel drive because we need it.  Now drive, or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old.  Yeah, we saw “Bambi.”  We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked…by our women.
5. Pull your! pants up, and turn that hat around.  You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.  You best pray that it’s not up by your ear at that time!
7. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu.  Order steak.  Order it rare.  Order a two-pound lobster and steamers.  Or, if you still want vegetables, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey covering it.
8. Yeah, we have sweet tea.  It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. If you bring Coke into our houses, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
10. So you have a $60,000 car.  Yippee.  We’re real impressed.  We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.
11. Let’s get this straight: we have one stoplight in town.  We stop when it’s red.  We may even stop when it’s yellow.  Hell, we may even stop when it’s green if we see something interesting across the road.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to.  So you say you’re a feminist.  Isn’t that cute?  For the record, Margaret Chase Smith, Olympia Snowe, and Susan Collins have all represented Maine in the US Senate.  How many women have represented your feminist-enlightened state?
13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams, and haddock, too.  If you want sushi and caviar, they’re available at the bait shop.
14. They are called pigs and cows.  That’s what they smell like.  Get used to it.  If you don’t like it, there are two lanes on the Maine Turnpike and Route One…take the southbound one.
15. “Opening Day” refers to the first day of fishin’ and deer season.  They are religious holidays.  You can get breakfast at the church… at 3:00 AM
16. So what if everyone in a pickup waves at you?  It’s called being friendly.  How does that concept rate where you come from?
17. Yeah, we have golf courses.  Don’t hit the water hazards.  It spooks the fish and the turtles.
18. Chowder is supposed to be white.  Don’t even think of asking for red chowder until you’re somewhere safely south of White Plains.
19. All the boats in Maine point in the same direction because that’s what harbor masters are trained to do.
20. The farthest you got is Ogunquit?  That isn’t real Maine.  That’s northern Massachusetts.
21. Yeah, the paper mills emit a smell like rotting cabbage.  Do you want it closed down?  Bad odor means good people are working.
22. Bar Harbor, Camden, and Kennebunkport are really tourist traps which no self-respecting Mainer visits, but won’t tell you that because we want your money.  Besides, how else will we unload all those “authentic” Maine artifacts that were made in Taiwan?
23. You’ll notice when there are seagulls flying overhead, the locals don’t stop to look up at them because of two things: bird poop and gravity.
24. Cars with Massachusetts license plates are treated with great respect, and given a wide berth, as everyone knows Massholes can’t drive.
25. Unless followed by the word “Sucks,” the word “Yankees” should never appear on an article of clothing within the Northern Territory of Red Sox Nation.

Welcome to Maine…The Way Life Should Be.

Now Go Home.