- I always confuse NRA & NPR. Totally different tote bags.
- Sometimes when I’m really lonely I talk to myself, but I call myself “you guys.”
- There’s no way my heart can handle what’s in an email labeled ELEPHANTS REUNITING AFTER 20 YRS.
- Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings.
- My dog is right. The bathroom is not a library.
- I hate drama = I love drama.
- Unfortunate is the man who employs baby talk.
- A bull in pretty much any shop is gonna be a mess.
- Saying “RELAX” is maybe the least relaxing word you can say to someone.
- I still wake up so jazzed that I don’t have to go to school.
- Some of the most misogynistic men I know are women.
- “I hate clouds,” declared my dad out of nowhere.
- Heartbreaking converges with crazy cute at the sight of tiny crutches.
- The two saddest consecutive sentences: “He just wants attention. Don’t give it to him.”
- Behind every great big bully is a great big bully.
- People in cults don’t call their cults cults.
- Let’s not wait for the apocalypse or an alien attack to love each other, y’all.
- You don’t have to do what’s expected of you.
- Just a quick reminder: other people exist.
- It bothers me that I’m not your entire world.
- We are all 100% going to die someday.
- Your fancy frankenstein cross-breed vanity dog can’t breathe you obnoxious boob.
- Spoiled rich kids who’ve never heard the word “no” are such a delight to be around in general.
- Vote “No” on this spelling of Geoff.
- You had me ’til Hello.
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