- I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".Eleanor Roosevelt
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.George Burns
- Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.Victor Borge
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.Mark Twain
- My wife is a sex object — every time I ask for sex, she objects.Les Dawson
- By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.Socrates
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Groucho Marx
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe.Jimmy Durante
- I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.Alex Levine
- What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.Henny Youngman
- Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’Joe Namath
- At my age, flowers scare me.George Burns
- Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.Herbert Henry Asquith
- I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.Bob Hope
- I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.W. C. Fields
- It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.George Burns
- Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those exact words…Woody Allen
- If only God would give me some sign…a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.Selections from The New Yorker
- Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.Woody Allen
- If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans.Woody Allen
- Those are my principles, if you don’t like them…. I have others.Groucho Marx
- Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.Mark Twain