New Governance Plan

OK, not to worry.  Here is the plan:

Let Bush govern the red states, and Kerry rule the blue.  I have never been to any of those states anyway except Texas which is not really part of the US and is still in mourning since Daniel Boone died at the Alamo.

Since the deficit, by nature, is in the red, they get to keep this, too.  We will be happy to retain the UN [which they don’t want anyway] and protect the coasts and re-open the dialogue with the rest of the world. Cheney can go back home to Wyoming and the republican capitol can be in Topeka.  Conservatives will be required to migrate to Montana, Wyoming, and the other red states where they can thrash around to their hearts content and defend themselves against Canada and Mexico, except they will all be in the National Guard which will be run by the Swift Boat Veterans.  Assault rifles will be distributed by NRA Family Values, Inc, but will not require body armor since they are all faith-based and Bush told Pat Robertson there would be no casualties.

We get the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, who didn’t want to go to Iraq anyway, and, if Colin Powell promises to be good, he can stay, too.  They get to finish up with Iraq since they started it and are doing such a splendid job of winning hearts and minds and demonstrating how democracy works and how to run prisons over there.  We, on the other hand, will look for Osama.

They can have the 10 commandments posted throughout the red states, where each gas fill-up will begin with prayer, but they can’t subscribe to the NY Times or listen to NPR.  They can have Fox News and CNN and all of the textbooks that have replaced the theory evolution with creation science and astrology.  We will continue with The West Wing and they can have Joan of Arcadia, and The Power of Prayer Hour.

They will practice abstinence and we will have sex education, birth control, and condoms.  However, we will continue to export the Cialis girl commercials and Viagra to the red states to allow them to demonstrate how to deal with temptation.  They have to keep Las Vegas, too, but no Heinz ketchup and, of course, no French fries, and no stem cells.

We will keep E Pluribus Unum [Bush is still trying to get this translated along with the 10,000 hours of Taliban tapes that the FBI is sitting on], and the republican national motto will be Cheney’s infamous epithet, Fuck you!  Which has worked so well for them in Europe.  This will be moderated to Fuck you, under God by the Catholic church.

Fox News, Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly will move to Kansas and anchor their evening news and church services until the clergy get out on parole.  Wisconsin and Minnesota will represent the left wing of the republican nation and Cheney’s daughter will move there.

The Bishop of Boston and all of the holy ones suspected of child molestation or related cover-ups will be relocated to Idaho where they can practice marriage ceremonies between two priests, one of whom must be in drag.  Notice that Hawaii is among the blue states despite Cheney’s visit there, so we will be honored to have them.