Never a good word

Stan and Marcia were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.  Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.  They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet.  They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.”

Stan asked how much all this was going to cost.  “Why, nothing,” their companion replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”  Stan looked out the window and right there he saw championship tennis courts, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.  “What are the fees?” grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” the companion replied.  “You can play for free, every day.”  Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.  “Don’t even ask,” said their companion to Stan.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Marcia, “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” the companion replied.  “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.  This is Heaven!”

Stan pushed, “No gym to work out at?”

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Stan glared at Marcia and said, “You and your bran muffins.  We could have been here 15 years ago!”