- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
- Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.
- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
- Debug Windows 95.
- Lay Faberge egg.
- Take dog apart. Disinfect, Reassemble.
- Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particular for decorative pie crusts.
- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
- Child proof Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
- Adjust legs of chairs so that each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
- Float votive candles in toilet tank.
- Seed clouds for white Christmas.
- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in colour coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
- Build snowman to exact likeness of God.
- New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.