Times when the “F” word was appropriate
- “I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”Joan of Arc
- “I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”John F. Kennedy
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions… A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession
Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one “Our Father.” The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners…
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three “Hail Marys.” The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask — Who is this Nookie Green
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well — you are forgiven. Go out and say ten “Hail Marys.”
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is…
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy — Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, “No, Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,”This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children.
Ten times a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God, I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”
“Duh; you’re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”
“Sure” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”
Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians
A: Hair balls.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavors
Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.
Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck.
Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 30 foott cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat IT – we’re closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”
Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky’s cheeks so puffy?
A: She’s withholding evidence.
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
The Clinton’s probably thought it was so funny when they heard Rudy Guiliani’s mistress come forward, they could hear each other laughing clear across the West Wing from their seperate bedrooms.”
-Dennis Miller