- Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his walletRobin Williams
- Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myselfRoseanne
- Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a placeBilly Crystal
- You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’Dave Barry
- We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’Elayne Boosler
- If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.George Carlin
- Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.Lewis Grizzard
- The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.Jeff Foxworthy
- See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.Robin Williams
- If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.Dave Barry
- What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?Marilyn Pittman
- Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.Bob Ettinger
- My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.Paula Poundstone
- A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.Conan O’Brien
- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God … I could be eating a slow learner.Lynda Montgomery
- I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’Richard Jeni
- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.Johnny Carson
- Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.Paul Rodriguez
- In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?Warren Hutcherson
- I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.Lily Tomlin
- Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?Marsha Warfield
- According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.Robert De Niro
- In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?Hugh Grant
- There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?Dustin Hoffman
- When the sun comes up, I have morals again.Elizabeth Taylor
- There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”Jerry Seinfield
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