California State Employee Handbook

by Arnold Schwarzenegger

SICK DAYS

Ve vill no longer accept a doktor’s shtatement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year.  Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so dey can look healthy.  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure.  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat’s all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary.  If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes and derefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

Dis is no excuse for missing verk.  Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-verkers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments.  In rare case vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled late in da afternoon.  Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom.  Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls.  At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door will open and a picture vill be taken.  After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der department bulletin board under da “Chronic Offenders” category.

Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate.  Ve are here to provide a positive employee experience.

Tank you,
DER GOVERNATOR

Now get to work!