Author: Dr Wingnut
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Ski Season Warm-Up
Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking…
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Actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston…Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on…
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Slow Dance
Have you ever watched kidsOn a merry-go-round?Or listened to the rainSlapping on the ground?Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?You better slow down.Don't dance so fast.Time is short.The music won't last.Do you run through each day on the fly?When you ask "How are you?"Do you hear the reply?When…
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Smart dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff."T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper…
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Soap?
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove…
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Some Assembly Required…
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to…
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More Totally useless information ('facts' from Weird News)
“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000An ostrich’s eye is bigger that its brain.Average life span of a major league baseball: 7…